still sad 10 years after divorce

And its hard to have to share my daughter and grandchildren with my exs affair-partner-now-wife. After he left (she demanded he move in almost straight away) he needed counselling and at one point was close to a breakdown. Gradually, your feelings on loss will start to be replaced by new things to do, new people to meet and new places to go. Sheila. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. Personally, I consider these realizations to be hard-won wisdom. Wow, I was taken aback by this editors unkindness and lack of compassion. Ben's Answer:The relationships that break our heart the most are often based on an idealized image of the person that we lost. TMZ reported that both Sidora and Pittman have filed for divorce after almost 10 years of marriage. Good article and I will add to it. And sadness. Best artical I have read on divorce. He appears to be very happy whilst me, not so much. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. And Jennifer L hit the nail on the head. But the empty presence has never gone for me I was 51 when he left and I have no trust to even think of a new partner. Its like I never existed in her world. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. Yeah.). Im just so broken. Many men divorce and move on in just a few months, while others take years to go . I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. I am also 10 years on and, although as you say sadness and happiness can coexist, there is a very quiet, still, invisible presence he has never really gone away from my heart and mind. I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and feel like my old self somewhat but there is no magical switch to healing. You may have stayed in an unsatisfactory relationship for a long time because you were afraid of dealing with the changes that splitting up forces upon you. As in, you might finally be legally divorced. It will only increase the hurts and pains which will also affect your health. "@type": "FAQPage", Thanks agai, appreciate what youve written. Some people are never positive about their well-being. My father died two weeks before she left . We have two daughters, one who has special needs that is 24/7 high acuity care, and Im angry. I think it just fine to feel it even years later despite moving on in many respects. Its good to see Im not alone. Great article. I can relate a lot with you. I will care for her as long as I am physically able, but I am so sad that I have to go through this alone, and one day, she will pass away and I will be alone in my pain and sorrow at her passing. fatigue. God bless you! I do hope this improves with time. Ive been divorced for 1 year and 3 months after a very messy separation and 17 year relationship. The betrayal is devastating. She on the other hand has had a new home built, and is working at a job that pays her 6 figures. You Will Grieve After Divorce, And It's Painful As Hell. A question, do you talk about the divorce and their mother when youre around them. You may interpret my conclusions as bitterness or cynicism, more pronounced at moments and evaporating at others. feelings of . Better if you acknowledge the pain and express it openly instead of trying to deny it as if it doesnt exist at all. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. "name": "Does divorce hurt even after years? Thank you for this article! It doesnt undo the bittersweet clarity that when I look into my sons faces, I see my dad (long deceased) and my exs mother (whom I once loved), both of whom are no longer in my life. I devoted my whole life to him and our 2 adult kids who blame me for everything and no longer speak with me but have welcome the child bride with open arms. You will have limited time to think about your past relationship, and you will overcome. It has been just over a year now and I still feel like I have been kicked in the stomach daily. All rights reserved. I too get sad in these all too often moments Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Our youngest daughters future events such as marriage, graduations, etc., that we now have to be a part of as separate families, instead of being proud together and sharing that moment with each other, Im sitting alone glaring at my ex, reliving the whole scene of him walking out on me with a younger model going on vacations and living it up while I am barely getting 3 hours sleep a night. And heres an irony out of the blue, I checked an email account that I only check maybe 2X a year and my ex had emailed me I have not heard anything from him in over 10 years, I lived in the same city as him for 16 years and now? I was caring, nice, compassionate person, but people ignore me anyway. As for my children, I hope I have been a model of resourcefulness and curiosity, of determination and positivism. You arent able to find joy in your life as it is. Feeling lost after a divorce is natural and common. I come from a large family and all the memories of my wife are with them. Concentrate on investments that would help you work out what is best for you and stop being obsessed about your ex-partner. But my heart tells me that interacting with her as a friend is more hurtful. They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that time heals all wounds. But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill. I do not miss him or want him back, I miss the shared life that we once had and the family and shared traditions that still happen and carry on with the person he left me for. Coparenting is difficult. Seeking revenge. Why isnt that enough? However, while you may expect to feel a bit sad about your ex moving on, you may be surprised or confused at the . There's also the practical side of it. It sort of put me in a bad spot, because I have no family of my own, so her family was my family. Our daughter is getting married this year, to a lovely chap but my cynicism remembers the lovely young chap I put my faith and future in! You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. Now I do not trust myself for having been so wrong. I wonder if my ex ever feels the way you do it would be a crumb of comfort but not anything remotely triumphant that he may be suffering. Meaning, if I could find someone to date, I would be all for it, but since I can'twell then, I say I just don't want to date. ", This will ensure that during the day, you are fully engaged at work and in the evening, you are in class. I miss her greatly . As the publication noted, it's possible that this split could get messy as both parties reportedly raced to file . I had an amicable split, ex was unhappy & I miss him & the good times and I Harbor so much guilt for not being the wife I should've been. He was my one and only love and there will not be another, whilst he has remarried a girl in SE Asia who is only 25 years old. Thinking that being alone means being lonely. I became a shell of a person. Only now I realise all that I feel, others feel too. I didn't know if I'd ever allow myself to fall in love again after my marriage ended but here I was. The thought of having to spend the little money I have to defend myself against a frivolous lawsuit is killing me. } "acceptedAnswer": { "The narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells aside." - Sam Vaknin. I have tried to date, but it never works out. While I am not a mom, I am a dad. You just have to do the work and know some days you will still feel sadness. Heres the thing, what hurts the most for me right now is still not having found another love. 2019 Divorced Moms. We didnt have children but were together almost 20 years, and Ive been separated almost 8 years. I feel completely abandoned and alone. However, there are plenty of ways to fight off the causes of depression, and a good support group will help you get through the worst parts of the divorce without it having a major impact on your life moving forward. He was my best friend, husband and mentor. But if a marriage is in shambles, then its better for it to be called off than to remain in pain and hurts for the rest of your life. "I think we are done", he says. I didnt even know he was unhappy, he wrote me a love song a few weeks before he left; confusion. College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. Most days I only want to lay around and play videogames. Are you talking to anyone on a regular basis about how you are feeling? It leaves a mark,my divorce will always be a sad event in my life like other sad things.I choose to see how I have survived and thrived and I look at my kids now 9 and 10 and think' I did that'.I am proud ,a liitle battered and bruised by the journey but proud nonetheless. I would have been able to still respect him. Ali, 40, and Justin, 40, announced their uncoupling in April 2022, but ahead of her new Netflix/A24 comedy series Beef and her upcoming summer tour, Ali told The Hollywood Reporter that she and . And I miss hugs and kisses. I have a great relationship now and am engaged. It hurts badly, no matter how long. It doesnt mean I want to be with my ex again, it doesnt mean I want to go back, it just means the pain of the loss of all of it is still there. D. A. Wolf is a professional writer, editor, and independent marketing and social media consultant. Youre still living in the past, ruminating on what should have been instead of focusing on what is and what will be. Call 707-326-5566 to schedule an initial consultation with Santa Rosa Psychotherapist Ben Schwarcz if I ever get another chance with her I will treat her as a queen . You choose to leave now leave me alone. The hurt will never quite go away. I think my circumstances are different than the norm because my ex-wife didnt leave because something was wrong with us. Although she burdens me daily with spam, she's devoted and reliable. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. I am in a much better place than I was 10 year ago but lately I have been profoundly sad but I now understand that the grief never really leaves us, it sits on our shoulder as a reminder of what could have been. I think, for me, I will never fully recover from the betrayal of the life my ex and I had created over 25 years. }. Some of the common signs of depression are mentioned in an article by psy.com. I know that I am getting better, I dont think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again. I have moved on and with a new partner. At the moment its him using we/our in his e-mails because I am having his sister to stay. March 2, 2023, 8:09 AM. Time does not heal all wounds. Apparently I get a F grade in moving on.. I feel bad for my children always going in 2 directions and not having the support Its possible for your divorce to haunt you even after years as you struggle emotionally over how your marriage ended, how easily your spouse moved on, and how hard it is to negotiate the ebbs and flows of life. Please Click Here to Read Legal Disclaimer Before Utilizing this site. I feel so sad for anyone in this position, and hope they get some relief in their situation. The grief of your family broken or split is for sure the hardest thing to get over Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription. At the 10-year mark, 90% of the women and 70% of the men still felt that the divorce was the right decision. Similar experience for me I met my ex at age 19, he divorced me at age 60 to be with his still-married coworker. She left because she no longer wanted marriage and to go down the path we were heading e.g. All the you statements are certainly not appropriate. You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. Perfectly said. Why was I the one invited to the party but not given a piece of cake (again?). I was married for nearly 40 years and I have known him for 50 years. Hang on there, you are so precious to God, and there is not one moment whatsoever that He has not been by your side, He will carry you thru this. This also resonates with me. You need to get out of your head and into your life. He stopped speaking to me full stop. I try to limit my public outbursts, but sometimes that's when the sad comes. I would say it was my fault she left for sure but she never would stay and go to counseling with me she just walked. As others, I am so glad I found this article, and reading the comments I now realise I am not being stupid. Thank goodness our children are grown and have started families of their own, so no coparenting or custody to deal with. I found out my wife of 23 years (27 years together) was having an affair the last Sunday in January 2021. people say you should be over and done by now . Can you be completely happy after divorce? Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. If you are enduring your marriage, there is nothing much to do but file for a divorce.It can be said that the end of a marriage is always a difficult time you don't want to go through alone. I was 21 and immature and didn't know how to communicate in a healthy manner & I have an . We seek out love relationships so that we can feel love. Perhaps it is an aftereffect of the years I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Therefore, it is essential to keep a distance and think positive about yourself. A ten-year marriage is also considered to be a long-term marriage by the Social Security Administration. I googled this lingering pain. In my 60s, I have nothing to look forward to, just existing each day. You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. I had spent so many years waiting for the affair again shoe to drop but realized, it was not a concern anymore, the cheater was out of my life. At every appointment, they can hold both parties to a standard of respect and non-judgment. When people live together as a husband and wife, they love each other and treasure each moment that they spend. Did I handle things negatively, sure did. Every former boyfriend has told me I am still in love with him. I am still sick about all of the deceit after being together since high school. I have really enjoyed reading everyones story and I realise now that I am very normal 10 years on. All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. Friends dont understand, and my only comfort is my faith in God and lots and lots of prayer. Still, I can only imagine that he, too, senses the sorrow that is part of who I am. Its not easy to find realistic articles on the very-long-term type of pain resulting from a divorce, so this one was a breath of fresh air. I wished I had not been so trusting and in love 21 years ago. Many couples never recover from divorce because of feeding their minds with evil thoughts about your past marriage, calling and abusing your ex-partner. What I learned: Never let your guard down entirely, and he or she with the deepest pockets wins. I dont know if I have ever felt such an awful feeling of loss besides the death of my parents. A moth named Once-married Underwing (Catocala unijuga) curiously rests beneath the eaves today. Why rock my boat. This mistrust of oneself identified by Ms. Wolf is the most nagging problem I am facing. As a man who was left behind almost 6 years ago and has been parallel parenting two daughters since, I will simply say that I identify with what you wrote. I couldnt say more because this is the solution to becoming a happy person after grieving for over 10 years. We met my freshman year of college and I truely feel that he shaped who I am today in the most positive way anyone ever could and then I left him. For example, youre allowing your thoughts of adoption to be muddied by thoughts of the way it should be. Ali November 14, 2015 At 1:56 pm. I accept it. My reservations with acting on adopting is that I would be exposing a child to a broken home. We were supposed to do this together. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. I was married for 29 years and so I am almost there. I used to pray (if you can consider chain smoking outside your apt. I have not dated anybody because Im still in the process of healing and I know it would not be wise doing so until I am ready to turn the page over completely. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. You are welcome to reach out to me at, [emailprotected] Bless you! I am grateful that the man in my life sees my joy and hears my laughter; these are qualities in our life together that are our normal. (How great is that?) A fractured. You really cant talk to anyone about it. My divorce happened suddenly and unexpectedly (to me) 12 years ago after 26 years of marriage. },{ I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been. Sad. as if they knew everything about my marriage and had the right to judge from their high moral (usually married) position. Believe me, God sees everything and He is a God of Justice, but His word says that we must forgive, not that they deserve it, but if and when we do, we start experiencing peace within us and start the process of healing. I encourage you, if you are not already doing so, to have those moments alone with Jesus, talk to Him, He is not only our healer but also Your friend that Loves you so dearly You may consider it phantom pain, but its pain nonetheless. Theres no going back, only accepting what lies behind & making the best of what is left. That alone really destroys me when I think about it but I have to be strong for my little granddaughter who I have not met yet but one day I hope to. Deeply sad, and still in pain. When one of my kids remarked that he thought there was a profound sadness in me, I was taken aback. I just do not what I am frightened of. A divorce hangover is an ongoing connection with your ex-spouse or former life that keeps you agitated or depressed, unhappy, and stuck in the past. After 28 years, my husband wanted a life with a very younger woman and has subsequently erased his family. Thank you for this - sadly after 20 years and 2 young kids we split 3.5 years ago. joanne. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. But love, sadly, is not always enough when it comes to marriage, and we deal with it in the best way possible. This will only relieve the pain for one day and stall the healing process. I wish everyone going through this agony only the very best. I divorced the following year. Oh well. It happens that even after ten years, the pain persists even if it was an amicable divorce. After a happy 28-year marriage, we're getting a divorce. You may have realized this after ten years; there is no need to worry, accept and take the challenge and be assured that in a short while, and pain will be past tense. The residual anger,. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. Even got the dogshe is small not big! D. A. has written for print magazines and newspapers, and she is a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce, The Good Men Project, Read MoreFind me on Twitter. Im lucky my daughter still talks to me. Granted i have full custody of my two kids but whats broken can not be fixed with money or any tool in my tool box. Do things you wish you would have done and still can do. Toughing it out. Six years later I still grieve how my family was split up. Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behavior than kids from two-parent families. It's been 2.5 years since my divorce and I am in a new relationship but I am still sad that I got divorced. I don't know how to stop the regret and guilt!! The judgement by others(including family) has been searing. I worked hard, did everything for him, but it wasnt enough.They married 18 months after our divorce ( 9 months ago, and went on honeymoon to one of our favourite places) They have a fantastic lifestyle, whereas I have had to go back to work. I have no support. I feel I am now existing in some sort of dreadful limbo. And its been tuff, specially when He was the unfaithful, controlling, abusive one. "name": "Can you be completely happy after divorce? Transformational Coaching and Psychotherapy, Benjamin Schwarcz, MFT, ACAP-EFT, Santa Rosa Psychotherapist and Coach, Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy, EFT Clinical Consultation for Health Professionals, Tapping Into Joy: Meridian Tapping and Mindfulness for Depression.