husband doesn t want to go on family vacation husband doesn t want to go on family vacation

I dont think youre going to be able to use logic or rational arguments to rid him of any fears. Sure, its too much if youre super conservative, but then the root of the debate is not Las Vegas itself. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. I got friend walks with doggo once a week to give myself what I needed while respecting that my husband didn't " I don't want to travel the world with you to film weddings and turn ever work trip . They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. And nobody is reasonably going to crazy drug orgies where they might be at risk, during a work event. We strive to provide you with a high quality community experience. I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple. If my wife was going off just to gamble and get wasted with other dudes Id be against that too., I highly doubt he posed it as My wifes company keeps taking business trips to Las Vegas. Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? Vegas isnt the problem here. When one person in the relationship suggests separate vacations, one of three things happens. Im going to start with a description, because people often ignore this anxiety is a horrible physical and mental state to be in. My SO and I ate there in 2013, and he STILL sighs and says, That was a good burger, whenever Las Vegas is mentioned. Thats a bright, flashing red sign. What the hell? Thank you for sharing your story withus this iswhat weve come upwith: How would you react ifyou were inMayas shoes? If I ask him he will clarify but I trust him and dont need to worry. Ive felt less safe in a couple of places in my own city. I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. But I just wanted to let you know that there are at least two people in the world who definitively do not agree with your husband. But also, this is pretty clearly a business and financial question. I deal with those worries by making sure he has the tools he needs to accommodate those shortcomings, not by hobbling his life. He thought I should take his moms feelings into consideration and realize that I wasnt just hurting him, but his family as well, and reconsider. Once I was done baby would go back into his seat until the next time. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. There are people whose mind translates any answer all, from Hmm okayhow bout that Topic Changers vs. Distractors game? to NONONONONO! OP, we can all surmise the reasons for his behavior as much as we want to, but this sounds like something you and your husband should work out together in counseling (or separately in counseling, if that appeals more to him.) The kidnaps, cheating, etc etc that COULD happen in Vegas (with about as much chance as being struck by lightning) are all just scare tactics to convince YOU to stay home and desire his protection from the big, bad world. However, I have to stay in London for a couple of days next week, and he encouraged me to go he said he needs to learn to be more independent and self-reliant. Im going on a business trip to Vegas in a few weeks and Im grateful the conference is there rather then other difficult travel to destinations. not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off on a tangent.. I firmly believe in the dont be a dipshit rule of travel, and it has served me well. Thats worrying about what other people will do TO me. This is a great comment. :D. Its doubly absurd because Tokyo is, I would wager, THE safest big metropolitan city in the world. It often goes along with a dose of jealousy, as most often, this is about a nice vacation Im going to take or some fun activity. I hope they can find a solution. Yes some people are probably going to jump all over me but let's be realistic here. Yes. That is the problem. I dont gamble much. (like when one of his good friends turned 50). I see where youre coming from, Detective, but I think the additions of spiked drinks and kidnappings shift it for me a little bit toward anxiety. Husband used to do this to me every time I drove anywhere in the winter. Somehow everyone turns into a sexual predator after dark. P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. But he didnt make a peep when we took her to Vegas for our wedding! A friend of mine was sort of that guy! Ill willingly concede that deglove describes something altogether horrible, but deplane is an idiotic, unnecessary, invented word. He gets anxiety about it, but he doesnt try to stop me from going he knows it is part of my job. If his fears really are Vegas-specific, spending time there might help. My husband nearly had to go to Vegas for a conference a couple of months ago (were in the UK so its pretty far!) Him: I ignored it. Of course, this is all conjecture. There are some really great desert trails out there! They are readily available and heavily marketeda sudden whim or fancy could be a reality very quickly. And perversely its a lot SAFER than other big cities, because there are eyes everywhere, all the time. By letting him chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with male colleagues, in public, etc. Conversely, if he came home with the same news, my response would be, Thats great! Your company wouldnt put you in harms way, and your husband should trust you enough to no cheat or do something vegasy. Im not necessarily that suspicious of the friends. Because setting some reasonable limits is part of that. Maybe you set a boundary about content, and tell him you only want to talk about good stuff while youre goneI love you, cant wait to see you is OK, Im so worried youll get drugged, raped, and murdered is too much to put on you while youre focusing on work. Be ready to beg, borrow, steal to brainwash your partner to start traveling with you. We arent gamblers either. But yeah, even then Im thinking more one-off or emergency situations at home, not I dont like that city!. I dont think hed bring up that the majority of people he asked thought he was wrong. She doesnt like it when I had lied to her but its alright to lie to me and Im not welcome to come along and stay in a another hotel. Im just going to share my experience if it doesnt fit, let it roll off your back. He would be excited, even. sienna plantation inventory homes; masters in international law and diplomacy; is daffodil water poisonous; update: is my future manager a bigoted jerk? After the last Vegas conference 4 years ago, where more people got fired for misconduct than should have, my company has put a stop to holding regional or national conferences there. Leave the argument and do that as consistently as you can. Hes my partner, not my parent, not my keeper, and Im still a grown ass adult who gets to decide what I do with my life. Certainly the OP needs to be careful with couselors. On work travel, it looks like meeting rooms and the booth in the exhibit hall. Conflict resolution. It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. Yeah Im kind of surprised people are acting like theyve never heard anything bad about Vegas. It was very concerning. The worrying about her cheating leads me to consider there might be a problem with control/abuse, possibly. So theyre officially still working there. Im handling it by biting the dog that bit me and hes not happy. I understand everyones points of view completely, just a couple questions and I apologize if theyve already been asked and answered 1) but is it possible that he go too 2) my spouse travels monthly, I hate it. Whoops, tried to highlight he says and stumbled into some html. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. Its a constant negotiation and balancing act. I dont think Ive ever paid more than $200/night in Vegas, often much less even after the resort fees are tacked on. Agree with the high level of security even on the streets. It is ideally set up to host conferences. Some people get really over the top anxious about things like this such that it becomes its own problem, maybe even more of an independent factor than the sexism thing (which kind of compounds it because its a societal trope that reinforces some of what would otherwise seem more out there on the face of it). When I first started at my last full-time job, a coworker and I were both sent to Washington DC for a three-day conference to learn our jobs (wed both started around the same time, in a very niche legal field). I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. The memo was a few years old, and it had been issues shortly before an Uber retreat If Im not mistaken it was in Miami definitely in Florida. The same counselors that would demand that the woman submit would also tell the husband to man up and provide for his wife. OP, go on your trip, focus on what youre there to do, and for those couple days at least, dont worry about how your husband is feeling about it. I stayed once at Palms Place, the long-term stay part of the Palms that is set up like studio apartments with full kitchens. There is SO much more to Vegas than gambling, booze, and illicit sex. Good luck and enjoy the trip. Do please note, even if he does have terrible anxiety or other mental health issues, hes also behaving in a really sexist manner, and being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk. Yeah, cheating is a pretty terrible thing to accuse a partner of without any basis, and personally is an immediate dealbreaker for me. I just assumed hes lying about even asking anyone. We stayed at the Excalibur (the kids LOVED staying in a castle, saw the jousting show, the MGM Lions, the aquarium at Mandalay Bay, and we also took them to play games at Circus Circus. I usually find that veiled anxiety/fear of minorities is at the root of cities are dangerous and scary and you must never go out after dark fears, but rarely is it veiled so thinly. And the issue was never me, or our marriage or anything like that, it was entirely a him problem, his anxiety and fear due to an accident we had Christmas eve one year. I strongly suspect it is not actually about Vegas, but perhaps a trip full of family friendly activities there could solve his issue if it is, in fact, about Vegas. Its not some ridiculous naked sex drug party. Menu. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. He is ambitious & caring.His insecurities have gotten the best of him in this situation. It could be an extreme level of anxiety manifesting as control (I cant measure up/if you go away somewhere glamorous youll realize I suck), especially if hes not otherwise doing anything questionable. I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) If youre the breadwinner, you obviously have to go on the trip. I talked to a financial planner about my divorce before I decided to go through with it, and it turns out she and I married the same guy too! (I lost 30 pounds not eating while she was away, and we both shed lots of tears at TSA seeing her off) Now, new project, wife just did 12 days in Portland just saw her off for 3 days planning there for another two week project there. I went to Vegas for an academic conference once and it was soooo super tame. Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. seem much more based on portrayals in television/movies rather than reality. But a positive first encounter with a therapist can change that, because, you know, therapists are trained to defuse and help unpack their misconceptions. Funnily enough, I never cheated, never had my drink spiked or got kidnapped during these excisions to sin city. I would not be surprised if those are who his friends are. Im flummoxed that a whole group of people would respond this way to a very normal thing like a business trip, particularly when presented with the reasoning OP outlined in the letter. Is that an issue as well? Props to you for doing the hard work of managing this problem. I think theres sometimes a tendency in certain corners of the internet to equate I have to talk to my partner about X before I can do it or My partner doesnt want me to do Y with OMG controlling relationship!, when there are lots of circumstances where that kind of thing is totally reasonable. Super reasonable! Not that I am saying that the Letter Writer should invite her husband. There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. Hyperbole and feigned hysteria are not the same thing. Dont try totalk yourself into thinking that itdoesnt matter orthat they didnt mean anything byit. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. I say this because I have a hard time believing that someone who had actually been to Vegas would hold these opinions about it honestly its not my favorite place because I find it too crazy and overstimulating, but I have never felt I was in any kind of danger. it says they WOULD even let their significant others go, not wouldnt! Counseling is legit, or ask him to come along. Either his friends are also super controlling and/or prone to irrational fears or he totally fabricated the story about asking if other people would let their wives go to Las Vegas for work. If I had succeeded in keeping my mom from ever leaving the house, I would have started obsessing about the iron falling off the board and burning the house down, or everything flooding, or, or, or. walk. (I do apologize that my intention to be helpful wasnt completely clear). arent at all limited to Vegas. I went two hours to the next town over for a Christmas party, and he spent days before hand stressing about everything that could go wrong on the highway. Next, things you can do. Im a bit flabbergasted. Be direct, and even brutally honest: Im not having this conversation (& hang up); Im not doing this again (& walk away); Im not changing my mind; Im not negotiating Im giving you the facts Basically, lots of Im not/I cant/I wont statements that are all about you and your limits. Youre better equipped than anyone here to judge whether hes capable of moving past his insecurities and choosing not to or if theyre something totally beyond his control, but you should get to the point of understanding that this is his own baggage and the only reasonable things you should feel about them is either sadness that your husband is falling to this sort of insane thinking or frustration that hes letting his insecurities get the better of him, whichever of those you think is more appropriate to your situation. She should go and she should make therapy a minimal condition of continuing the marriage. Whether hes choosing them consciously or not, hes certainly trying to use them as a weapon to manipulate his wife into doing what he wants. That was my thinking toohow much did he lead them into getting the exact answer he wanted? Please whitelist our site to get all the best deals and offers from our partners. Ive also gone on holiday with my mum and my grandmother for a week or two at a time. (A high crime rate gets lots of news coverage, with dramatic photos; a major reduction in the crime rate doesnt, because TV news doesnt want pictures of people walking down the street in safety with friends, doing their shopping, picnicking in the park.). It sounds harsh, but stop comforting him *in the moment*, stop giving him your attention. In fact, Ive been on more trips without my partner than I have with him! Thats kind of hilarious because my ex was super upset the first time I went to Utah (current spouses family lives there), because he thought Id let our daughter be kidnapped by polygamists. Well, this might seem like an obvious question, but have you told him that you need him to stop talking to you about this? The veg option at the two meals at the convention center consisted entirely of iceberg lettuce salad). The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. Just my two cents. I dont think you necessarily need to fear him, but as other commenters have said, there are parts of this that seem dangerous and disturbing from our perspective. Id dump him. Im someone who immediately leaps to the Worst Possible Scenario thanks to my anxiety. But truly, its a secondary concern here. Just Saying. And even if you werent going to your cousins house! It gives him something else to focus on, so he isnt sitting on the couch by himself, watching TV and brewing in anxiety. OP, do you think hes more worried for you (someone will spike your drink, youll get kidnapped) or worried about you (youll cheat on him)? I came here to recommend asking Captain Awkward as well! And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. Has it been made perfectly clear that this trip isnt a mini-vacay/reward on the companys dime, but is -in fact- a work trip where you will be doing work? I feel a sudden need to greet my husband at the door tonight and give him a big hug. I never said anything about kiddnaping I had 3 seperate friends get sexually assaulted there. And in small towns all over America people are being shot in churches, schools, shopping malls etc. He had experienced previous panic attacks on flights, hated the "cattle type" travel experience, and at 6'2+ was uncomfortable in the tiny airplane seats. This is about control. In neither case do I think you should stay home, and I think youre best able to answer the question of his motivations, and how to deal with them long term. Either he socializes with very retrograde people, or hes snowing you when he tells you that hes enjoying full-throated unquestioning support of his attempt to stifle your career. I'd hate for you to miss out because of the trip! So, OPs husband would be fine if she was going on a business trip to Dullsville or Normalville or even New York City, but because shes going to Vegas, specifically, he has an issue. (Somehow I did survive!). husband doesn t want to go on family vacationlifetime guest pass policy. He also accused her of sleeping with her boss constantly. If youre seeing these things and thinking anything like I cant say that, he would freak outmarriage counseling, please. If OP and her husband are from perhaps a small conservative town and the husband has never been, theres a slim chance that hes reacting to this reputation. Dont engage with his arguments. Based on the way anxiety distorts reality and actual risk, I could easily not allow my children to participate in things or have small measures of independence. .Im pretty sure my m-in-l would do that. Yeah, I was in Vegas just a couple of weeks ago. Also, sometimes its exhausting to argue with an anxiety sufferer and you end up agreeing to get out of the discussion. I agree with Allison though, this is a situation that requires some heavy duty marriage counseling no matter what. Really? My only regret about that trip was that it was so last-minute I couldnt get a ticket for my boyfriend, who has never been to Vegas and would have also enjoyed wandering through the hotels and playing a few slots for the free drinks.